Star Wars
Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody
Medium: film
Year: 2012
Director: Axel Braun
Writer: Axel Braun, Bryn Pryor
Keywords: boobs, favourite, SF, comedy, parody, incest
Country: USA
Actor: Allie Haze, Seth Gamble, Rocco Reed, Dick Chibbles, Tom Byron, Lexington Steele, Chi Chi La Rue, Aiden Ashley, Kimberly Kane, Rihanna Rimes, Gia DiMarco, Jennifer White, Eve Lawrence, Brandy Aniston, Derrick Pierce, Danny Wylde, Bryn Pryor
Format: 152 minutes, of which 60 are non-porn
Series: << Star Wars >>
Website category: SF
Review date: 16 May 2013
It's another of Axel Braun's porn parodies and it's brilliant.
Seriously, I thought it was hilarious. That's not post-modern irony. I was laughing my arse off. Obviously I'm cherry-picking a famous one and avoiding the rubbish and/or disturbing porn (e.g. The Dark Knight XXX: A Porn Parody, which apparently begins with the Joker raping and killing Batgirl). Nevertheless this is extremely funny, with sharp jokes, astonishing production values and even some passable acting.
It's helped by the fact that the parody's so specific. It's basically a beat-by-beat remake of Episode IV: A New Hope, but with jokes and hardcore sex. This gives him a solid structure. It's always easier to write parody when you've got a strong original that everyone knows. We'll get subtle gags. (Yes, there's subtlety, although there's also plenty that isn't.)
He gets straight in there with the opening crawl. "After decades of tedious political squabbling." Ah, that would be the prequels. Even the music's as near to John Williams as they dare. Anyway, the opening shot of spaceships flying overhead had me trying to work out if they'd stolen Lucas's original footage. The CGI is immaculate. You'd never believe you were merely watching a porn film. You could splice that Star Destroyer into genuine Star Wars. The only difference is that Leia's shuttle is a mish-mash of an X-wing, a Y-wing and I think something else too. Someone spent proper money on this thing and pulled out all the stops... and the whole film's like that. I don't want to bang on about the production values because such things aren't particularly important, but still. Good grief. It's staggering.
Did they fly out to Tunisia to shoot the Tattoine scenes? Surely they can't have, but it looks as if they did.
The costumes are close, but with careful differences. The stormtroopers all have authentic helmets, for instance, but they're female and have moulded breastplates. R2D2 and Darth Vader look superb, although I'm not a great fan of their goofy C3P0.
Then we have the actors, who are of course porn actors and hence often kind of ugly and scary-looking (especially Luke and to a lesser extent Leia). However they're taking it seriously and for the most part, doing a respectable job. The proof is that they're funny. Standard porn-level bad acting would have killed the comedy. The weakest actor here is Seth Gamble as Luke, for instance, but even he's fine and only bad in occasional moments. Tom Byron as Obi-Wan Kenobi is doing a halfway decent Alec Guinness impersonation, complete with the voice, although it's making him a little wooden. Lexington Steele's Darth Vader is further from James Earl Jones, but that's mostly because almost no one on the planet has Jones's voice and Steele's by no means disgracing himself. I got used to them. I even kind of liked them.
However what's important are the jokes.
Some of them are simple character stuff. The stormtroopers are bimbos. "Yeah, like totally." C3P0 is gay, obviously, while R2D2 talks absolute screaming filth that only C3P0 understands. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a dodgy old bugger who thinks it's funny to have flying balls zap Luke with lightning bolts under the pretence of "training". Meanwhile Luke is a coward in the final space battle, while Darth Vader has points of similarity with Rick Moranis's Dark Helmet in Spaceballs.
These aren't complicated gags, but they're conceptually simple and you can have a lot of fun with them. This is the funniest R2D2-C3P0 bickering ever, for example. I'm fond of Anthony Daniels in the originals, but Lucas's C3P0 does have a tendency to overstay his welcome. Chi Chi La Rue's C3P0, on the other hand, never stops being entertaining, especially as half of the Artoo's Obscenity Double Act. "I don't have a womb!" (You could see homophobia in the character if you wanted, as with the gay bar joke at Mos Eisley, but I think the underlying meme of C3P0 being homosexual is so well recognised that it would have been jarring had Braun not gone there.)
If nothing else, he's being played by an actor called Chi Chi La Rue. How awesome is that?
There are also sly jokes about Star Wars itself. The film reminds us of the incest angle before Leia gives Darth Vader a blow job and then later before she has a threesome with Han and Luke. "So, since we're not related to each other..." Mind you, Leia's lily-white and that's a black penis sticking out of the Vader costume, so make of that what you will.
Similarly I loved the gems in this film's version of the Guinness-Hamill info-dump scene about Luke's father and the Clone Wars. "My uncle said he was a whiny psychotic." "A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until I cut his arms and legs off and left him burning in a river of lava." They even find an observation that hadn't occurred to me before, although I'm sure that confession would get me laughed at by Star Wars nerds. "Who is that guy?"
As for the porn, it's... well, it's porn. Sometimes all we see of the man is a penis sticking out of a costume (Vader, Chewie), whereas at other times we have bad guys peeling off their outfits and proving to be female (Tusken Raiders, Imperial Stormtroopers). There's a small orgy at Mos Eisley that lasts nearly half an hour. Most of it's not particularly sexy, but it is what it is. At least there's no rape, sadism or deviant stuff (unless you count SF inter-species couplings and fictional incest). The stormtroopers have the biggest boobs, by the way.
It's not a perfect film, mind you. I think it loses its way a bit when our heroes reach the Death Star, when Axel Braun starts economising on sets and cutting corners in the storytelling. Is that connected with the jokes getting less funny? I also noticed that things pick up almost exactly when our heroes escape the Death Star again. (Kenobi's death is good, though.) Similarly the concluding assault on the Death Star offers fewer gag opportunities. Well, that's action finales for you. It looks stunning, though, and even there they do squeeze in a few jokes. "Must not vomit in helmet." Seriously, it's brilliant. I loved it. It's full of great jokes I'm itching to quote here, but if I put them all in my review, I'd kill the film.
There's even a Dalek! It doesn't move, but it's there in the line-up when Luke and Uncle Owen are buying droids from the Jawas. All you fanboys who'd wanted to see a Star Wars crossover with Doctor Who, here's your chance.
This film made me look up Axel Braun's imdb page. Apparently he speaks five languages and he's a MENSA member, a film school graduate and a PhD in Psychology. Goodness me. Furthermore his Batman XXX: A Porn Parody was the best-selling and best-renting porn of 2010, while this film apparently became the highest-selling adult title ever. There's a reason for that.
"I always shoot first."