vampiresMexican wrestler
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
Medium: film
Year: 2001
Director: Lee Demarbre
Writer: Ian Driscoll
Keywords: low-budget, vampires, Christian, rubbish, Mexican wrestler
Country: Canada
Actor: Phil Caracas, Murielle Varhelyi, Maria Moulton, Tim Devries, Ian Driscoll, Josh Grace, Tracy Lance, Glen Jones, Mike Funk, Lucky Ron, Johnny Vegas, Jeff Moffet, Ivan Freud, Erica Murton, Alex Godin
Format: 85 minutes
Website category: Other
Review date: 17 July 2014
It's a bad film. Yes, I needed to watch it to find that out.
Technically, I only made it through the first twenty minutes, mind you. I was disappointed. I'd been agog to see this, simply because of its title. Obviously I hadn't been expecting quality, but I had at least been hoping for entertainment.
Unfortunately it was filmed by people on their weekends and it looks like it. It's just luke-warm and amateurish. The only thing I saw that came alive was that manic intense hairy guy and his religious rants to camera. He's good, albeit a bit scary. Otherwise, though, it's the very definition of half-arsed. The actors know nothing about acting. The direction is thoughtless. The editing will make you cringe. The vampire bites look desperately cheap. There's a bit where Jesus's friends bless a lake to turn it into holy water, whereupon Jesus throws in the vampires to kill them... and the director doesn't find any way of letting us see that this worked. It's just women being thrown in a lake. Do they hiss and give off steam? Do they turn to ash? Do we even see them die? In fairness it's quite an amusing idea, but it's been wasted.
I like the scriptwriter's sense of humour, though. Not much of it has survived the production process (and especially the actors), but it starts with the title and goes on from there. After all, this is a movie about Jesus's modern-day struggle to protect lesbians from vampires, with the help of Mexican wrestler El Santo and his own carpentry skills. (Jesus can make stakes.) He's also a mixed martial artist.
How can you not want to watch that? It's brilliant. It's wonderful just to think about. Could Jesus repel vampires by holding his arms out wide in a cross shape? The film then throws in gags like this newspaper headline: "NWCC reports critical lesbian shortage, fringe festival in jeopardy." That actually managed to be funny, despite the general lameness. I also liked that priest's mohican and the Jesus Musical Number. This is a terrible film, but I think its comedy is actually quite good.
As I said, I only made it through a quarter of this film, fast-forwarding through the rest. I glimpsed some amusing scenes, such Jesus's conversation with a bowl of cherries. God is manifesting on Earth. "Oh, it's you, dad." However it's basically sub-sub-sub-mediocre. I don't think it even has any nudity. It has some good lines, though.
"We're running short on skin. We'll need to harvest more lesbians."