FlashBlack CanaryZatannaAquaman
The Justice League of Pornstar Heroes
Medium: film
Year: 2011
Director: Robert Black
Keywords: superhero, boobs
Country: USA
Actor: Rocco Reed, Evan Stone, Chanel Preston, Roxanne Hall, Scott Lyons, Barry Scott, Talon, Haley Cummings, Shyla Stylez, Bill Bailey, Tom Byron, Jenna Presley, Ron Jeremy, Andy San Dimas, Amber Rayne, Kristina Rose, Tommy Gunn
Format: 138 minutes, or 20 minutes (non-porn)
Series: << Justice League, << Superman, << Wonder Woman >>, << Batman >>, << Robin, << Green Lantern, << Flash, << Aquaman, << Lex Luthor, << Penguin, << Catwoman >>, << Harley Quinn, << Poison Ivy, Zatanna, Black Canary
Url: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1874763/
Website category: Batman
Review date: 16 September 2011
It's another superhero porn film. It's nowhere near good enough to recommend, but it fulfils its chosen function, i.e. you see people having sex dressed as DC superheroes.
It's not as good as Batman XXX, though. That had a point, which was to pay its respects to the 1960s Batman TV series. This doesn't, really. They're doing passable versions of these DC characters, but there's almost nothing here to suggest that the producers had anything they wanted to say about superheroes. It's a formulaic JLA runaround, wrapping lots of sex... and that's fine. It is what it is. It's a porn film. That's its job and it does it, so what's the problem? It's not particularly good, but if you were expecting genre-transcending inspiration then all I can say is "get help".
The good thing about it is that it's only 20 minutes long if you don't watch the sex. I like a story that gets on with things. Admittedly the size of the cast turns it into a porn superhero version of The Five Doctors, full of cameos and one-scene characters, but at least that's better than getting bored. We start with Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, Robin, Green Lantern, Flash and Aquaman standing around a table talking about a threat that's zany even by comic book standards.
"Somebody out there has a Weather Bomb. If it's set off, it will cause an atomic explosion that will destroy all of Porntropolis and possibly the world. We must find the bomb and defuse it."
There's a funny bit at this point where they complain that Aquaman's crap. He says he's got to return to Atlantis and sure enough, that's what he does. Aquaman gets no action in this film. Anyway, the heroes go off to look for the bomb.
1. Batman and Robin 'interrogate' Catwoman.
2. Superman tries to get the dirty from Zatanna, who for some reason in this film is a villain.
3. Flash does it with some random henchwoman... no, it's Black Canary. I think.
4. Wonder Woman uses one of her less well-known interrogation techniques on "the General". Don't ask me who that might be, but he's immune to Wonder Woman's truth lasso. READER NOTE: it might be General Eling aka. "The General" who stole the body of The Shaggy Man, an invulnerable hairy hulk-type, as a vehicle for his mind when he discovered he had cancer. He set up the US Super Marines to hold off the JLA and take the rap for it and appeared later in Luthor's Injustice Gang. All this is in Grant Morrison's excellent JLA. Eling was first in Captain Atom as a 'gruff army antagonist'.
5. Green Lantern does it with Harley Quinn.
6. ...and then finally Wonder Woman goes down on her knees with all the men standing around her in a ring. You don't need further details. However interspersed with all this are other short mini-scenes, of which only one is pornographic. Poison Ivy gives Lex Luthor a quick blow job. In addition though we also get a subplot about Catwoman capturing the Dynamic Duo, occasional superhero mini-meetings and a TV broadcast from the Penguin (Ron Jeremy) announcing that he's standing for election. The latter's particularly odd since it has nothing to do with the Weather Bomb plot.
There are things I like here. The most surreal is Zatanna's stage act, in which she does conjuring tricks for an auditorium of inflatable sex dolls. What's more, they applaud. We can hear them. This is easily the film's weirdest scene and I found it fascinating. There are a couple of action scenes, one of which involves the Flash and arguably works better than some similar attempts I've seen in the official Justice League animated TV series. Wonder Woman's sex interrogation isn't even trying to make sense, but I wanted to love the film's ending. The superheroes find and destroy the Weather Bomb so anticlimactically that it's ridiculous... but then after Wonder Woman's blow-bang, a hologram of Lex Luthor informs them that they've merely destroyed one of his decoys and that now they're all going to die.
This moment is wonderful. All it needed was for the heroes to die and I'd have laughed my head off. However unfortunately they don't, as instead the film takes this cool twist and vandalises it. (a) Luthor makes his little announcement with two minutes still to go. (b) there are two super-speed characters present, Superman and the Flash, which just makes it all the sillier that they stand there like lemons as Luthor tells them where to find the real bomb. Admittedly Luthor's coated it with kryptonite, but that wouldn't have slowed down the Flash. (c) Luthor stops talking, then the heroes say goodbye to each other and accept death. Fade to black. (d) "To be continued" appears over a "Coming Next Week" scene involving Ron Jeremy's Penguin. My theory is that the Flash ran off, found the bomb, defused it and then ran back so quickly that we didn't see him move.
The actors are poor, though. Scott Lyons's Robin is annoying and Evan Stone's Batman isn't much better, although I found the latter amusing anyway. Even bad impersonations of Adam West are funny. Incidentally I remember having trouble with Stone's line delivery as the Riddler in Batman XXX too. Someone needs to explain to him that speaking is about communication. In addition this Catwoman is better than Batman XXX's, thanks to her Halle Berry costume, but Wonder Woman's breasts are off-puttingly plastic-looking. Yet again, the porn isn't sexy.
Occasionally it looks shockingly cheap. The animated segments are so stiff-looking that I'm not sure they were worth doing, Wonder Woman's invisible plane is ludicrous and Harley Quinn's costume looks as if it cost three dollars from a Halloween shop. Come to think of it, maybe it did.
In summary, it's okay and no more hackneyed than a lot of these characters' original comics. If nothing else, I appreciated the sexual politics. This could have gone in all kinds of creepy directions, with superpowered males beating up and then exorting sexual favours from women. This approximately happens with the Flash, but he asks nicely. Far more common though is for the women to be in control, whether it's female villains getting the better of male heroes (Batman, Robin, Superman) or Wonder Woman being the most macho character in the movie. She's still not exactly a poster girl for feminism, but it could have been worse. This film is cheap, badly acted and kind of ugly, but it made me laugh in a couple of places and managed to sustain itself for the twenty minutes that I was watching.
However if you're looking for superhero porn, I'd sooner recommend Batman XXX, Midnight Angel or even Kekko Kamen, mind you.