JapaneseTiaMirei YokoyamaKikujiro Honda
Milk the Maid
Also known as: Mutchiri kasei-fu: Sui-tsuki go houshi
Medium: film
Year: 2013
Director: Mototsugu Watanabe
Writer: Koji Yamazaki
Keywords: boobs, fantasy
Country: Japan
Language: Japanese
Actor: Tia, Mirei Yokoyama, Yasunari Kubota, Ayum, Kikujiro Honda, Atsushi Tsuda
Format: 62 minutes
Url: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3449238/
Website category: J-sleaze
Review date: 24 January 2020
It's a silly but good-hearted pink film. There's also no lactation. "Milk" is the maid's name.
It starts with a sex scene between Kenji Yano (played by Atsushi Tsuda) and Ruriko Aiba (Mirei Yokoyama). Apparently the BBFC required two minutes of cuts in order to give the film a non-pornographic UK certificate, but I watched the Japanese version with digital blurring and even there you're basically just wondering if the actors really are doing it or not. (It wouldn't be surprising if they were. Its cast contains hardcore porn stars.)
"I had another fight with my wife," says Yano afterwards. "Ruriko, I'm only happy when I'm with you."
Ruriko then goes home to her useless husband and stepson. Souhei (Kikujirou Honda) got laid off and says it's hard finding a new job at his age, so he just sits around the house all day. Kouichi (Yasunari Kubota) is studying to get into Tokyo University, but: (a) he's on his second year of trying, having already failed once, and (b) Tokyo University is Japan's top-ranked university and famously hard to get into, while Kouichi looks like an idiot.
For what it's worth, the film's playing fast and loose with its actors' ages. Well, it's pornography. Mirei Yokoyama (born 1985) was actually born after her on-screen "son" (born 1984).
The film's surprise is what Ruriko brings home. It's a girl, Milk (played by Tia, aka. Tia Bejean), who's dressed in a daft all-white outfit and claiming to be an angel's egg from heaven. Even making allowances for the character being an airhead who's not technically human, Tia can't act. She can barely even open her mouth convincingly. You can see why she was cast, i.e. she's cute and has big boobs, but your response to her will be shrugging and going "whatever". Her enthusiasm makes her watchable, if you remember that the character has the brains of a toenail.
Anyway, we know what's going to happen. There will be sex. It will involve Tia. Surprisingly, though, the film's making every effort to be heartwarming and nice. It's not morally reprehensible and it's not exploring the darkness of the human heart. Tia has sex with Kouichi once, but then after that helps him find love with his delinquent, bullying childhood friend, Miki Utsumi (played by Ayum). As for Souhei, he genuinely loves his wife and the film has to tie him in knots to make him succumb to the inevitable of a sex scene with Milk. Before that, Souhei does the following:
1. tries to kick Milk out of the house and gets stopped by Ruriko, who insists that she stay.
2. repeatedly asks to have sex with Ruriko, who always coldly goes to sleep. Sometimes she fobs him off first by pretending not to have a condom.
3. searches her bag while she's in the bath and finds the condom that she doesn't have.
4. trails Ruriko to a hotel and sees her go in with Yano.
Souhei also doesn't trust Milk, offering to find her a psychiatrist and checking to see if she's stolen any money. Then, even straight after sex with Milk, he's in tears and still talking about Ruriko. He blames himself for her infidelity, not her. Of all the actors in this film, Kikujirou Honda is actually quite good and doing a proper job despite the silliness he's being forced to participate in.
(There's even comedy music. This film sounds like a cheesy 1970s British sex comedy, with whistles and swanee whistles in the incidental music. Quack, parp, ting. Apparently Mototsugu Watanabe's pink films often have a comedy tone like this.)
The funniest thing, though, was the finale. Ruriko is reconciled with her family and revealed to be a good-hearted person who wasn't cheating on her husband at all. All that sex she'd been having was for money, to support her family! This is presented as a good thing and everyone's refreshingly okay with it. It's a happy ending and Souhei puts on his Serious Face while vowing to find a job. (Presumably, though, until he finds one, his wife will maintain her current employment and he'll continue living off the proceeds of prostitution?)
THINGS I LEARNED FROM WATCHING THIS FILM:
(a) angels can have surgically enhanced boobs.
(b) what order do you think these things should happen in? Firstly: remove knickers. Secondly: perform cunnilingus. Answer: yes, I thought so too, but apparently we're wrong.
(c) it's a happy ending to learn that your wife is working secretly as a prostitute.
(d) if you order someone to go away and leave town, having a crisis of conscience afterwards means you'll immediately find them again. This is true even if the person in question has no idea where she's ended up, because she knows nothing about anything.
This film is nonsense, but also quite charming. There's nothing nasty or mean-spirited about it, which can't be said of all Japanese pink films. It's goofy, but consistently so. Tia's performance, the incidental music, the scene where Kouichi asks to be taken to heaven and appears in a white void with gates... it all goes together. It fits. The special effects are proud to be old-school. (Shine a light, blow some smoke, put a church organ on the soundtrack.) There's sex and nudity everywhere, but it's not being sleazy about it. I wouldn't recommend this film in a million years, but I also quite enjoyed it.
"Rain is really angel tears. Look, it's raining because I cried."